Funnies - August 2008 If you would like to contribute to our website, please email your article to webmaster@rembrandtdutchclub.com

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?" *************** A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone. The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said, "How do you like your new phone?" Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..." "What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband. "How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?" ********** Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours. **************** An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude". With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumb founded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know -I thought you were watching." MORAL OF THE STORY Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men....are men, who look at the wrong things at the wrong time! ********* What happened when the Irish played water polo? Their horses drowned

These are genuine clips from Council flat tenants complaining to the Council about problems with their flats 1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it 2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore 3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow 4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me 5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night 6. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence 7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife 8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand? 9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall 10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant 11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen 12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy 13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers 14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared 15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink 16. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off 17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous 18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it 19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage 20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off

Divorce Vs Murder A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.' The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?' The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.' The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!' The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different..... You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

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